I’ve been sitting on this post for almost two weeks now wondering whether or not it’s something I even have the energy to post, so I’ll try my best to articulate what I want to say, concisely. Friday, the thirteenth, I was alone for the majority of the day and had been thinking a lot about my journey east and the path I was choosing to pave for myself. After hearing some discouraging words, the day before, from someone very close to me back west, regarding my current endeavors, it got me a bit down and upset no matter how much I tried to deny that I was. The next day, which was the thirteenth, I spent the entire day cooped up inside my loft in Brooklyn listening to music and working on a list of things I needed to get done. I had started mulling over everything; my work, my personal life, and who I am. I’d gotten a similar feeling before when I had moved to Portland at 18 and was trying to feel my way about, but this time it hit me harder. I felt really isolated from my environment and any relationship that existed between myself and anyone else and the gloomy weather didn’t help this mood. I let my playlist play, sat on my bed with my back up against the wall, and started cutting up some confetti. John Lennon’s “One Day (At A Time) came on and the room became really dark all of a sudden. A rattle struck through the wall and down my back and I pulled my curtains back to the sight of a massive storm cloud moving swiftly toward the direction of my building. Thunder. It began pouring and the occasional burst of flash filled the space as the storm progressed. The walls continued to shake a bit and soon my consciousness shifted and I didn’t feel so afraid of the future. It was also the first time I wasn’t afraid of an east coast storm, in fact it was oddly rather soothing. No longer did I think about the seed of doubt planted the day before by another and ultimately by myself. I sat at my window and watched the rain pour as my eyes watered a bit and my throat tightened. I stopped thinking about my disappointing conversation, where I’m going in life, who I am or am becoming and I could care less about anything else, because I was solely invested in this moment. The timing on my playlist couldn’t have been more perfect and the gentle reminder of John’s song created a essence where everything in that moment felt just right, even if some thing’s before or beyond it weren’t. I soon realized I was just having some growing pains and I thought to myself, “I should tell my [future] children about this feeling some day” and decided to make this self-portrait.
While sitting at my window during the storm, I began to realize how dangerous fear can be and how I hadn’t felt it that strongly in such a long time. The entire day I had been questioning my potential “success” and my level of true happiness and soon ended up feeling a pit in my stomach and was completely worn out by my thoughts. Not as productive as I’d like to be. I felt disappointed in myself for feeling upset by the opinion of another, but it was someone close to me and it got under my skin, man. I’m only human. Luckily, I soon remembered that I didn’t need to validate myself for anyone, because we are all different and thus entitled to our own opinions- even those that are unsolicited. I also realized how a lot of my past experiences have been ones where I have been able to mature a great deal and my decision to pursue a career in New York would just be another one of those experiences. There is an importance in willingness to put oneself in uncomfortable situations in order to test new waters, see what the world has to offer, and what one can potentially contribute and over the last few years I’ve made a greater conscious effort in my life to not let my actions become shaped by the opinions of others and found that I had to learn to trust myself and my direction. I realized that once I stopped caring about what other people think and worked on the things that made me happiest, that that’s all I really needed and that’s all that anyone else should need too.
P.S. the following day was bright and sunny and I was in a far better mood. I documented myself in the light. Life is wild.